Has your exposure to sexual imagery led to out-of-control behavior and subsequent feelings of shame and despair? You’ve likely tried many things to overcome this struggle and may feel exhausted and hopeless wondering if there really is a way to freedom. Maybe resentment has accumulated inside of you and corroded your desire to engage with people and activities that bring connection and vitality into your life.
Many, including myself, have experienced similar feelings. I empathize with you, and I know from personal experience that those who have walked this path before can offer the empathy and support that will strengthen and inspire you to keep moving forward.
Working with a therapist can illuminate your path, offering guidance that introduces hope, facilitates healing, provides essential skills, and ignites the confidence needed to face this challenge. This struggle can become your greatest teacher, allowing you to cultivate many honorable character traits.
Keep in mind that changing beliefs and habits often requires ‘swimming upstream’ initially. As you identify and anchor yourself to deep, pre-established commitments, you will remain focused when progress seems non-existent.
Here are some pieces of wisdom that have helped clients I’ve worked with:
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Compassion and common humanity are more powerful than lust: This exercise may seem a bit strange, but trust me and give it a shot. Close your eyes and visualize all the people that you have lusted after in an auditorium (if you tend to search for and view a particular person, you can try this exercise by imagining sitting in a room with them). You are standing on the stage looking out over them. As you do so, consider these questions:
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Who might these people be important to?
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What might these people be struggling with today?
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Practicing loving-kindness: As an extension from the exercise above, imagine yourself speaking statements of love and well-wishes to the people that you have lusted after. Some examples include: “I hope you experience safety, trust, and commitment from others” or “May you know that you are deeply loved and valuable” or “I wish you peace and prosperity.”
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Self-compassion: Go back to either the first time you were exposed to pornography or the time you most recently viewed. Imagine that you are observing yourself from the third person. Cultivate feelings of compassion for yourself and have a conversation with yourself that involves both gentleness and mercy as well as a firm resolve to stay true to your values. Let yourself know that you love yourself too much to allow yourself to choose something that goes against your values.
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Future Self: Imagine the future you that doesn’t participate in the behavior of viewing pornography. What are they involved in? What are their relationships like? What are their beliefs about themselves? Get a clear vision of this future version of you and create a personal mission statement, affirmations, and visual cues that you can rehearse morning and night to make it a reality.
Most clients struggling with unwanted pornography viewing are seeking relief from thoughts and emotions associated with damaged self-worth. More often than not, clients that have experienced childhood wounds discovered pornography as an avenue to soothe and distract from the pain of those wounds. Engaging in the work of healing from trauma and forgiving those that have hurt us plays a vital role in long-term freedom from the pseudo-relief that is experienced in unwanted pornography use. This process can be aided by the guidance of an understanding and skilled therapist.
I conclude with the words of Leo Tolstoy who once said, “If I know the way home and am walking along it drunkenly, is it any less the right way because I am staggering from side to side!” To this, I answer “No!” Ultimately, as we never give up we are succeeding. And there will always be those who will be by our side cheering us on and picking us up when we falter.
